May 9th 2018; its not about me

I learned something important yesterday: its not about me.

I mean don’t get me wrong… I knew this before.  I am aware that not everything is about me and that there is so much that happens in this cosmic universe that have literally nothing to do with me.  But yesterday it was slapped in my face again.  This lesson of it not being about me pertains to the actions of other people.  I have found that I often get sucked up into thinking that someone’s actions or lack of action could have something to do with me and something that I did.

Yesterday it was brought to my attention that it is in fact not all about me and mostly likely has nothing to do with me.  Even though it is easy for me to recognize that, yeah, you are probably right and no it has nothing to do with me; it is still a hard thing to accept.

We are our own worst enemies, and tear ourselves down quicker than anyone else.  So to have someone say to me, “hey, its not you.  Its got nothing to do with you.” Can still be a challenge for me to accept because I am always left with the afterthought of, “Okay, yeah.  But what if..?”

The what- if in life kicks my anxiety like no other.  Its that feeling of control that has been taken away and the fact of accepting that I can’t control everything.

When it comes to guys and love and relationships, accepting that its not about me and their actions are not always a reflection of whatever I’m doing, can be a tough pill to swallow.  We have been programed as people to just assume that its our fault, that we are not good enough.

Advertisements

Training

A few weeks ago I decided that i was going to train to run a half marathon.  I am in a place in my life that I don’t feel like I have anything interesting about myself.  That my hobbies aren’t anything that sets me apart from anyone else.  I have always found running therapeutic and cleansing and although I have some issues with my arches, I want to do this.

I have been slowly running more and more over the last couple weeks but I have a lot of other stuff going on in my life right now.  But that is not an excuse.  I am doing this.

I have signed up for the End Of The Summer Fun Run, which is at the end of August and then I have also signed up for the Bubble Run that is in mid September.  I am saving to buy some new running shoes soon.  Shoes that actually fit my feet correctly and I am hoping that my arches will no longer be an issue when I run

More running updates to come!

Cluttered Mind

This is the first post on this blog .  I decided to create this blog because I find quite often I am plagued with overwhelming thoughts and emotions and it can become too much to deal with on my own.  I have tried writing it down in a journal but that has always proven to be short lived and unsuccessful.  When it comes to the journal, its not that I find writing in it to be therapeutic but that, for whatever reason, that my great great grandchildren will find it tucked away somewhere and think that its this fascinating book about someone 100 years ago.  But… not every journal is Anne Frank’s diary… and I have my doubts that mine will be anywhere close to that.

However, I do find that writing down my thoughts does help my sort them out.  I tend to talk to myself out loud, like I have having a conversation with another person.  Like sometimes I imagine that someone else is there; that someone asked me a question about something and I just answer back like there is a person there.  It sounds insane, and to be honest, when I get really into talking to myself, I will snap out of it and feel like an absolute crazy person.  But it’s okay, I don’t worry that I am crazy for too long, because I know there isn’t really anyone there.  Sometimes I do it just to pass the time and voice something I have really been thinking about, or to play out a situation in my head.

I swear when I do get old, I am going to be nuts.

Well right now, besides blogging, I am writing practice essays for the NU essay in a couple weeks.  I feel that if I write out a couple of them that it will make the stress of not knowing what the prompt is, a little less stressful.  But I do know that this is just my way of trying to control a situation that I do not have control over.  But, you know, that is just who I am.

I always think its cool people who can write books and be published.  I mean, I know that anyone can be published but to actually have your book sell, that is very cool.

Maybe I could write a book.  Maybe mu great great grandkids will read this blog.

Eh. Probably not.